LESSONS IN LOVE: EMOTIONAL RESPONSE-ABILITY

We are told that in order to be powerful, one must have self-control; one must have the power to resist one’s emotional, instinctive urges; to discern the voices of their instincts and emotions and to hold them up to their core values, beliefs and their light of truth before making a rational decision. But what happens when you fall in love? Does being in love mean that we are at the mercy of our emotions and are we somehow rendered powerless?

It’s a thought which I have grappled with relentlessly over the years. And my desire to be independent has definitely caused issues in my personal life. I’m not very good at responding to confrontation in relationships, so I quickly succumb to my instinctive panic reactions; I go into ‘fight’ mode, ‘freeze’ mode or I simply run away. But the problem is that, when it comes to a committed relationship, these three options aren’t particularly healthy or sustainable. So how then, do we become more emotionally available when it comes to love? How can we learn to respond appropriately to confrontation and difficult conversations? And if we change this instinctive reactive response, are we somehow cheating ourselves?

Taking the time to stop and assess what I’m feeling and why isn’t something that comes easy to me, let alone registering to express them in healthy, pro-active ways, for both myself and the sake of my relationships. So I just freeze up. As my independence is something I cherish, I’ve always been of the mind that losing control of my emotions is a weakness and denies me my status as a powerful person, in my own eyes and the eyes of those around me. And after all, if I can deal with difficult emotions when I’m single, I can sure as hell deal with them when I’m with someone.

But taking responsibility for one’s emotions is exactly what it takes to be a powerful person, with or without someone by your side. My advice? It’s a lesson learnt sooner rather than later. If we are to truly grow as independent people, we have to stop and take the time to pay attention to what’s going on inside our heads and in our partner’s head too. The thoughts, feelings and needs of both halves of the relationship matter and it’s important to demonstrate that you recognise as much.

Being in love subjects you to a tidal wave of feelings, some of which you may never have experienced before; feeling vulnerable is certainly something which I have found incredible difficult to get my head around. But a healthy, committed relationship should not and certainly doesn’t need to symbolise the imminent death of your independence. You can retain a strong sense of who you are, no matter how headstrong and independent that person might be, when you are in a relationship. But learning to put your emotional availability out there could well be the very thing which transforms a casual fling into something more meaningful and committed and let’s be honest, who doesn’t want that?

I guess the real question here is just how dangerous is an open heart? How do we get over our fear of being broken-hearted and how do we learn to embrace laying all to bear? I’m not sure I have the answers to these difficult questions. But the one thing I know above all is that the only person who truly loses from closing their heart off to love is yourself. 

Antonia x 

*EDIT: For the lovely girls who messaged me privately on Instagram about my coat, thank you! My coat is from Primark A/W17 and it only cost me £20! I am not sure if this exact coat is still in store but I do know that they have introduced lots of new shades and patterns this season. Get shopping!*